If They Wanted To, They Would... Right?

Maybe the question isn't whether they want to. Maybe it's whether what they're willing to give you is enough.

“If they wanted to, they would.”

I hear that sentence everywhere.

Your friends say it when he hasn't texted. Someone says it when you've been dating for six months and still don't know what you are. The internet says it underneath videos made by people who apparently possess an impressive ability to diagnose entire relationships in thirty seconds.

And I'll admit, there's something satisfying about it.

It's clean.

If they wanted to call, they would call. If they wanted to see you, they'd make plans. If they wanted a relationship, you wouldn't have to wonder.

Sometimes that's absolutely true.

Sometimes we spend an embarrassing amount of energy inventing complicated explanations for very simple behavior.

He's busy.

She's overwhelmed.

They're scared of getting hurt.

Work is crazy.

The timing isn't right.

Mercury is probably doing something.

Meanwhile, the person has managed to go three days without answering a text while somehow finding the time to watch every story you've posted.

There are moments when “if they wanted to, they would” is exactly the sentence you need.

But I don't think it's always that simple.

People can want things they're not capable of maintaining.

Someone can want a relationship and still be emotionally unavailable. Someone can care about you and still lack the communication skills necessary to make you feel secure. Someone can genuinely want to change and still keep repeating the same behavior.

Wanting is a feeling.

Showing up is a skill.

And I've started wondering whether we focus too much on the first one.

We spend hours trying to figure out what someone feels.

Does he miss me?

Does she care?

Is he afraid?

Does she secretly want this too?

Maybe.

But eventually, does it matter?

That sounds harsher than I mean it to.

Of course feelings matter. I would never suggest they don't. But someone's private feelings cannot build a relationship with you.

Their actions have to do that.

You can't communicate with someone's intentions.

You can't make plans with someone's potential.

You can't feel secure because someone insists they care while behaving in ways that continuously make you question it.

And maybe that's where I would rewrite the advice.

Not: If they wanted to, they would.

But: If they want to be part of your life, eventually they have to show you how.

There can be grace in that.

People have difficult seasons. Careers become demanding. Families need us. Mental and emotional bandwidth changes, and sometimes the people we love genuinely cannot give as much as they normally would.

Healthy relationships should have room for being human.

But being understanding doesn't mean becoming indefinitely unsatisfied.

That's the line.

You can understand why someone can't give you what you need and still decide that you need it.

You can believe they care about you and still recognize that the relationship isn't working.

You can have compassion for someone's limitations without making those limitations the boundaries of your own life.

I think women are especially good at confusing understanding with obligation.

Once we understand why someone behaves a certain way, we feel guilty holding them accountable for it.

He had a difficult childhood.

She's never had a healthy relationship.

He's under enormous pressure.

She's scared.

All of those things can be true.

And you can still be hurting.

An explanation can create compassion.

It doesn't automatically create compatibility.

That's something I wish I'd learned earlier.

Because I have spent a lot of time believing that if I could understand someone well enough, their choices would stop hurting me.

They didn't.

Understanding only explained the wound.

It didn't heal it.

So maybe stop asking whether they want to.

Ask what they're doing.

Are they communicating?

Are they making room for you?

Are they following through?

When they hurt you, do they care enough to change the behavior instead of simply apologizing for it?

Do you feel loved in the relationship you're actually living in, not just the one they keep promising is coming?

Those answers will tell you far more than trying to crawl inside someone else's head ever will.

Maybe they want to.

Maybe they really do.

But you deserve more than being wanted privately.

You deserve to be loved actively.

Words of Wisdom

Stop exhausting yourself trying to determine what someone feels when their behavior is already telling you what they are capable of giving. Someone can care about you and still be unable or unwilling to love you in the way you need. You are allowed to understand their reasons, have compassion for their limitations, and still decide that what they're offering isn't enough for you.

Until next Tuesday.

— S.