You Don't Have to Hate Them to Leave Them

Sometimes walking away isn't an act of anger. Sometimes it's an act of acceptance.

I think we've made leaving someone sound much simpler than it actually is.

We talk about relationships ending as though there has to be a moment when love disappears.

They hurt you.

You get angry.

You stop loving them.

You leave.

Clean.

Except I don't think most endings are that clean.

Sometimes you leave someone you still love.

Sometimes you miss them after you've decided they shouldn't have access to you anymore. Sometimes you remember the good parts without suddenly forgetting the reasons you left. Sometimes your heart takes considerably longer to accept a decision your mind already knows was necessary.

That doesn't mean you made the wrong decision.

I wish someone had told me that sooner.

Because there is a strange guilt that comes with missing someone you know wasn't good for you.

You start questioning yourself.

If I still love them, should I have tried harder?

If I miss them, does that mean I should go back?

If I can remember all the beautiful things, was it really as bad as I thought?

Maybe that's where we get ourselves into trouble.

We assume leaving requires us to rewrite someone as terrible.

So we start collecting evidence.

Every argument.

Every disappointment.

Every moment they failed us.

We build a case because anger makes separation easier to understand.

But someone doesn't have to be entirely bad for a relationship to be wrong for you.

That's allowed.

You can acknowledge someone's kindness and still recognize their inconsistency.

You can remember the nights you laughed until your stomach hurt and still remember the nights you cried because they wouldn't listen.

You can know they loved you in whatever way they were capable of loving you and still decide that way wasn't enough.

Two truths can exist together.

I think adulthood is mostly discovering how inconvenient that is.

We want people to fit neatly into categories.

Good.

Bad.

Stay.

Leave.

Forgive.

Forget.

But people are rarely that simple.

Someone can hurt you without being cruel.

Someone can disappoint you without intending to.

Someone can love you and still repeatedly make choices that make loving them painful.

Intent doesn't erase impact.

And love doesn't automatically create compatibility.

There are relationships where nobody needs to be punished.

They just need to end.

Maybe because you want different lives.

Maybe because you've asked for something they cannot give.

Maybe because you've become someone who no longer fits inside the relationship you once chose.

Maybe because staying requires too much of you.

Whatever the reason, you don't have to turn someone into a villain before you're allowed to choose yourself.

That's the part I want to remember.

Because hatred can keep you connected too.

Anger is still a relationship of sorts.

You're still replaying.

Still arguing.

Still imagining what you'd say.

Still waiting for them to understand exactly how much they hurt you.

Sometimes peace begins when you stop needing them to be the bad guy.

They were someone you loved.

Maybe part of you always will.

And they were also someone you needed to leave.

Both can be true.

There is something sad about that.

But there is something freeing too.

Because if you don't need to hate someone to leave them, you also don't need to wait until every good memory disappears before you're allowed to move forward.

You can carry the good without carrying the relationship.

You can be grateful for what something was without continuing to accept what it became.

You can wish someone well from a life they no longer have access to.

And when you miss them, you don't have to panic.

Missing someone isn't an instruction.

It's a feeling.

Feelings pass.

Decisions can remain.

Maybe healing isn't reaching the point where you feel nothing.

Maybe it's reaching the point where you can feel something and still choose what's best for you.

Words of Wisdom

You don't have to hate someone before you're allowed to leave them. You can remember the good, acknowledge the love, miss what you had, and still know that returning would cost you too much. Missing someone is a feeling, not an instruction. Sometimes choosing yourself means loving someone from a life they no longer get to share.

Until next Tuesday.

— S.